Just thought I’d re-blog this, partly because there’s a lot of personal stuff going on in my life right now and I haven’t had time to write a new post (re-posting an old one instead is pathetic, I know, and I’m sorry), but also simply because it was my first post to this blog, and I haven’t really written much about ADHD recently. I just wanted to keep it in the circulation because it really describes how having ADHD makes me (and I guess others) feel.
I don’t know if anyone is interested anyway, but I need a bit of a boost…and at the moment I’m not getting it from anywhere else. I’m proud of this post and stand by all I said. The feedback I got on it made me feel super happy and proud so I just wanted to re-live that feeling. Please, just let me have that, with no judgments on my poor show and my laziness on the part of my blog.
I haven’t commented on anyone’s posts recently, liked anyone’s posts recently, done any of the awards that I’m so far behind on…I’m rubbish and selfish and I’m sorry. I don’t want to revert to my old ways of having no passions. That idea practically floods my brain with dread. I don’t want to revert to being a vegetable who just has no interests in life, no emotion other than hatred and anger.
I’m not going to let that happen, though. I will get back to writing properly and consistently again soon, commenting on my friends’ (I hope you’re my friends) posts…please know how much I appreciate all of your support and I love everything you write. I’ll catch up, read it all and reply to emails etc soon I promise. Just got a lot on in my head right now. It’s no excuse, but I’m just saying. To be honest you probably aren’t missing my posts or anything anyway! It’s more that I owe it to myself to keep going, and I feel shit and guilty when I don’t keep my promise to myself. My promise that I’ll be useful and continue to do what I truly love. Not be consumed by shitty thoughts. Just sometimes find it hard.
It’s my birthday tomorrow, I should be happy. I’m going to be eighteen.
I want to feel proud of my blog again, because it was the one thing that kept me going and feeling like I had something to look forward to every day.
Thanks and sorry for the lack of commitment and for this pathetic post. I’m committed I swear but struggling. Will get back to you when I can.
It’s like working on a Macbook instead of a Windows PC. Everything works so fast that it actually can become counter-productive and more confusing, putting everything slightly out of focus and making everything slightly harder to comprehend. I feel a bit like a goldfish swimming round and round the same bowl everyday. Claustrophobic, hot, anxious. It’s not like I actually know how it would feel to be a goldfish, but I think I can probably make a pretty fair guess. I’ll go with the idea that I’m a little bit like the human version of a goldfish. Perhaps it’s a tad far-fetched but I find myself quite enjoying the analogy so I’m going with it.
Now that I’ve had my diagnosis, everything that ever didn’t make sense about my life now does. Of course I still question ‘why me?’, but I now fundamentally know why I’m the way I am. I sometimes wish I could…
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