An insight into the ADHD mind:

Ugh, my counsellor’s doing it again; making me do that thing where I have to close my eyes and listen to her tell me to think about how still my toes are and be aware of the corners of my mouth. My toes aren’t still though that’s boring. And how can a mouth have corners? It’s not quadrilateraly-shaped. Don’t think quadrilateraly is a word. Thinking of mouths, I’m kinda hungry. Really feel like a bagel right now. The blue ones from the New York Bakery Company that we bought from Sainsbury’s the other day after my eye appointment (they got worse again). They’re sooo good. But when I think about it I’m not really sure I am that hungry. My meds make me not want food as much. I want it then actually see it and I’m like noooo thank yew. Think my tummy’s gonna rumble anyway though because it has it’s own mind, like all parts of my body do with ADHD. But if I do that thing when you tense the muscles maybe I can avoid it because it’s so quiet in here that it’ll be really obvious if it does rumble. Can’t blame it on anyone else because it’s only me and her in the room. Oh no. Here it comes. ‘And now be comfortably aware of your heart beating inside your chest’. No. No. Please. Don’t make me. My heart pumping involves blood and veins and arteries circulating round my body, pulsating and all the vessels and blood and ew. It’s like that one time when I had to go to the hospital for those heart tests and they put that sharp stabby thing on my boob and I could hear the gross BLUB BLUB noise of the blood going through my aorta from those gigantic speakers in my ears. You know what’s really annoying is they didn’t even finish the tests properly so now I have to go back in the summer for an MRI scan. Super scared for that because what if I get stuck? Do they even lock you in? I have no idea what they do. But I’m glad it’s gonna be in summer because hopefully I won’t have too much stress. OMG SUMMER. I’m gonna be eighteen and I have my prom and I can hang out with Max and I can work out all my obsessive problems, and bond with my family, and make music and noise and write all the millions of ideas I have in my head on my blog. Oh my days my blog. It’s making me super happy and it’s super fun at the moment. When I get emails from my readers and stuff it makes me feel really proud and when I get nice comments it sometimes even makes me feel happy my brain works like this. Hope someone will notice it because it would be so great to get the word out. It’s weird thinking that my brain works differently to maybe yours or my mom’s or the milkman’s. Apparently it’s actually wired differently with different levels of chemicals and stuff that make me think differently which is kinda cool. Maybe it’s because I was upside-down in my mommy’s tummy so had to be born a caesarian and it made my brain go funny. I don’t think I would want to have a c-section waaaaay too scary when you know they’re cutting you open! I bet there’s loads of blood after a caesarian…I wonder why God made us to bleed blood and not water? Oh my days the rain outside is insane it’s like a rainforest storm…maybe that’s the sky bleeding like we bleed when we have a c-section. Or maybe it’s God. I bet God must be able to hyper-focus like me, otherwise how could he make the world in seven days? See, being ADHD is a good thing. ‘Notice the weight of the hair on your head, the gravity weighing it down’. Haha, gravity sounds like cavity, and dad’s a dentist. OMG that’s such a coincidence?! I can remember another co-incidence that happened like last year when I was listening to a song in my room then I went next-door and they were listening to the same one. It wasn’t even on the radio. Why am I so boring I literally chat so much shit. Actually no, you know what is boring and what does chat shit is this bloody meditation session. The more she tells me to focus on certain parts of my body all I can think about is myself thinking about myself thinking about myself thinking about that body part, followed by a zoomed-in and detailed vision of what might be going on inside this body part, all the cells zooming around with little faces and expressions depending on their mood. Most of them angry because that’s how I’m feeling right now, but quite a few also look a little green because they feel ill looking at me just like I feel ill looking at them. It’s funny to think they might have feelings. Surely they must do because cells are what makes you feel anyway aren’t they? Gosh I deffo need a science lesson. I can hear Florence and the Machine playing in the background. Oh I’ve got to remember to leave my phone charger out later so I remember to charge my phone. Oh, shit. It happened. He grumbled. First like a small bubbling warning of the lava brimming. Then the explosion happened. ‘GRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRGRGRGRRRRRRR’. It’s just my tummy’s way of telling the counsellor to shut up and stop being so boring so I can take myself and my various body-parts, NOT use my super-power hyper ability to focus on them separately and go eat a bagel. Just because I can focus on things with my new meds doesn’t mean I want to or I will for you, Ma’am. My meds don’t cure my hatred of following instructions!

Nighty. Gotta go charge my phone.
© agirlwithadhd 2015.

Advertisements