Sometimes things can take a turn for the depressed.
I don’t get it, this morning I was fine. Really happy and all. But within the space of about an hour, I’ve been letting the thoughts back in. I’ve been so so happy recently because of all the work I’ve been doing and passion I’ve been feeling. I’ve wanted to feel passion for so long and I finally have found it in this writing. But I guess you can’t have ‘up’ days every day. Sometimes you’ve got to have ‘down’ days, just like anyone else – mental health problem or not: it’s just life.
Nothing really happened to make me feel sad…just feel low all of a sudden. Just want to sit here with my teddy and write.
Yesterday mom dropped me back off at boarding school and I’m not feeling too great about it, to be honest. It’s only for ten days until my exams are over. But it’s somehow just the whole environment of boarding school sucks. Just as I was beginning to settle in at home again, the comfort gets snatched away and I have to re-adjust again somewhere else. ADHD doesn’t like that. Punishes me for it with a blinding headache. Change upsets the balance.
Mom and I really connected over half term. Finally. Since the diagnosis I’ve been understanding more and expressing more and mom said she finally feels like she’s breaking down my barrier. Sure, we fought. But she tries to get me now. Same with my dad. We don’t always exactly see eye-to-eye, but they just get me so much more now, they see that there is often method to my madness and my behaviour. I don’t try to be difficult. I don’t try to hate my friends for not understanding. I don’t know.
My home life has just improved so much, and I’m sort of over this whole school thing now. We go to meals. Eat food with fake ingredients, colourings and additives, talk about superficial things and then go back to our rooms to sleep at night. It’s the repetitive cycle and whilst I’ve gained interest in other things, I’ve lost interest in this. It just seems so meaningless, so pointless now. I just want to finally have the family life that I haven’t had for the five years I’ve missed since living away from home. I’m only seventeen. I’m not ready to be taken away again – next time to uni. Of course I will be over the moon if I get in where I want to go, I want to increase my chances at getting a great career…but honestly, I am scared. I’m not good in social situations, I find it so hard to find someone to get on with, someone who will really want to be my true friend – something I’m realising that a lot of my friends here aren’t. I finally feel like I have a family I can rely on, a family who knows my problems and knows me and when I’m feeling down. And it’s just gonna be taken away again. Sure I’ll finish school, I’ll have the summer. Then the mundane cycle starts again, and I don’t know if I want that. Not now, anyway. I want to make up for lost time doing what I love to do, being with the people I love…the thought that I have to go away again, deal with my problems alone again. As I get older people expect me to cope better but that’s not always the case.
I have a constant battle in my head thanks to the intrusive part of my OCD. Eg; now I’ve said that I don’t want to leave home I’m scared I’ll get bad karma and won’t get into uni. So one part of my head is urging me not to say anything truthful in case something bad happens, while the other is telling met speak my feelings. I feel sad and scared to leave my family again – but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to go to university! Tomorrow I’ll probably be feeling okay again and be looking forward to it! Just at this moment in time, the idea scares me more than it excites me. It’s like this everyday – just some days I can ignore the conflicts that go on in my head more than others. I think people underestimate the activeness of my brain. I’m not lazy. Just all my brain power gets taken up by other stuff. Stuff I can’t get out of my head – it doesn’t matter that I don’t want it there. Bullies don’t just go away when you tell them to. My brain’s not normal like most people’s, and I often think of days with a list of things to do. It’s one thing at a time to tick off until I get to be alone again. It’s not ‘what have I got to do today?’ It’s ‘what have I got to get through today?’ There’s a difference.
I’m far from trying to attention seek here. But this is the first time I’ve cried in around a week, which I’m pretty proud of. But at the same time it feels horrible. I forgot what it felt like to have that feeling. I’ve been so focussed on passing my exams and helping other people with their problems that I forgot my own. Don’t get me wrong helping others is what I so passionately care about, and I love when people get in touch with me and I love when they ask me for help. It’s a fantastic feeling, and I love forgetting my own problems for a while. But I think that now I’m back in school, I remembered those problems again. The more I talk to you guys, the better, I think. My understanding of social cues isn’t the same as most people’s. The kids at school judge my differences. My blog doesnt.
I’m not trying to put a massive downer on my happy streak but hey – like I said before we can’t always be happy all the time. It’s just the minute I stop being so intent on certain things and just sit alone quietly for a bit, I remember. I hate being alone because I get sad. But I also hate being with people a lot of the time because they make me sad, too.
It’s the harsh truth that if I got ten A* in my exams, the school wouldn’t care if I was the saddest person in the world. It’s the harsh truth that if somebody sees me being of use to them in order to get what they want, they will befriend me for that reason and that reason only. I’m fed up of being the puppy who chases everyone around trying to prove my worth. Why do I need to prove anything? If someone wants to be my friend they have to make an effort, too, and I dunno if they realise that. Sorry if this seems ‘dramatic’ as some have called it. Things are just getting to me in this small but solitary moment. Allow me that.
I really built a bond with my mom over half term, as I said. She found my blog. I asked her not to but she scoured the internet anyway, and found it. I was upset and angry at first. I felt betrayed. But she told me that she was so happy she had because the more she read, the more she truly understood about me and about how I’m feeling. She and I had been connecting more and more anyway – and I had been telling her a few things at a time, at my own pace. Her seeing my blog was just her finding everything out all at once, which wasn’t how I ideally wanted it, but now I’m glad because she can see me for who I truly am again – and I was gonna show her anyway.
I just wish other people would try to understand, too…try to care about the real feelings that others have. Not just the ones I pretend I have when I’m in school. There is so much going on behind closed doors in people’s lives. So much of significance, of worry, of plight. And all we can talk about in school is how ‘fit’ this boy is or how ‘ugly’ that person is. It’s disgustingly shallow. And I’m over it. I prefer to reside in my room alone when I can, now, because I can’t yet figure out how to make anyone see what I feel. I’m sorry.
I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’ve hurt people before, done things I’m not proud of. But now I can see. And I’m scared. Scared to go to uni and find the same kinds of people again and again. How will I ever make friends when I can’t understand the priorities of others, when I can’t understand why they can’t understand me?
I downloaded an app yesterday night called ‘TalkLife’, to see who else was out there in need of help. It’s awful, seeing the things that people write on there really clarify my opinion – no-one should ever have to be suffering so silently, to feel so alone that they can only talk about their problems on an app through their mobile phone. Although I guess that’s kind of what I’m doing on here. No-one should be feeling as alone as these kids do, though. These are the things I want to solve now. Not which dress I’m gonna wear to prom.
Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with a bit of that every now and again. But I live with these girls, 24 hours, 7 days a week. You would think by now we would have a little more to say to each other, something a little deeper. I don’t know, I probably seem like a massive traitor right now. Maybe I should be keeping these thoughts to myself. I don’t know. I mean it’s not everyone. But I do often feel like the stereotype of boarding schools can be vastly true, because I’ve lived it. Come out the other end and said there’s no way I want to be that person. I hate that I think this way about girls I’ve lived with for years as sisters. But unfortunately until recently, I was just like them. It’s only now that I’ve witnessed the plight of others that I see the truly important things in life. Everyone’s capable. I don’t blame them for not seeing what I see. It took me three diagnoses, a lot of crying and many intrusive thoughts before I saw the light that they have yet to see. I just worry that if you haven’t lived it, you never will see the light. This is what I feel so strongly about changing. I haven’t lost my strength of mind, don’t worry. Just needed to write this to get some control again. Everyone’s allowed a moment or two (or as many as you like) every once in a while. My friends aren’t bad people, and I get on with most of them. I just wish that sometimes they could identify on my level. This sounds like I’m calling myself intelligent – but that’s not what I’m saying. When I say ‘my level’ I’m referring to emotionally. Let the guard down, let yourself feel, wear your heart on your sleeve sometimes – instead of feeling the need to slag off others for doing so!
Boarding school can be great for some, so don’t think I’m trying to tell you how awful it is. I’m just not that type of kid who is able to thrive in that environment. I want to be part of a family again, feel love again. Hope that’s okay, mom, dad, Anna, Max? Let’s re-connect over summer, because for the first time ever I only left home yesterday and I miss you already.
I’ve gotta go force myself to work now. Hope this wasn’t too much of a ruiner to your day.
© agirlwithadhd 2015.