Hii.

So what I hate the most is when people call me ‘lazy’ when they don’t even know my story, what I have to face every day and the reasons why I often prefer my own company to the company of others. I enjoy sitting in my room doing nothing, believe it or not. Deal with it. Basically, never call me lazy or tell me I ‘do nothing’, because a definite grudge will be held. I’m a girl, girls hold grudges. Duh.

Here are 10 scenarios in which I have been called lazy in my life:

1. When I don’t want to go out.

2. When I don’t want to do exercise.

3. When I don’t want to work.

4. When I sleep in.

5. When I can’t remember what topic we covered last lesson.

6. When I’m scared.

7. When I’m hurting.

8. If I don’t shower for a day or two.

9. When I don’t want to try new things.

10. When I’m on my phone too much.

What I’m not saying and what I am saying

What I’m not saying is that it’s not ok to be lazy. Of course it is every now and then! I just want to differentiate what the clear difference between being lazy and being scared is. Of course I’m lazy sometimes. But what people should probably understand is that the majority of the time when people assume I am, I’m not. Life isn’t easy for someone like me. I feel lost a lot of the time.

The motivation for this post

Last night my boyfriend and I fought. My boyfriend is the one who I thought would always think about my feelings, stand by me through the good and the bad. But recently we’ve been arguing a lot. I’m not quite sure why I’m telling you all this, but I’ve got to get it out. I guess I’m just sorta sad because we haven’t spoken yet and we’re both stubborn as fuck so neither of us wants to text first (or he hates me). But I’m sick of people assuming that I’ll just ‘give in’ when I did nothing wrong. I always find a way to blame myself as an excuse to forgive them so we can talk again. I convince myself I’m in the wrong.

So Max and my argument was petty. But I think it was more lots of small things that built up. It just all blew up from that point, I think. It makes me sick to my stomach when we argue. For the first time in a while I let some dark thoughts in.

But Max, you get upset when you think I’m being blunt. Yet a lot of the time all I get from you these days is ‘okay’ and ‘alright’. I hope we’re okay. I hope we can re-connect over summer. I know I just haven’t seen you properly in forever…that must be why we’re arguing lots. I hope it’s why. I’m still fucking furious with you but I love you so much. I have to write this – it’s all cooped up inside me.

Why I’m hurt

I just want to do the right thing, always. But sometimes I’m not invincible, and I need someone to talk to. Unfortunately for Max, that just happens to be him a lot of the time. Well, he used to be, until he started telling me it wasn’t fair on him because it was most nights. He’s right, it’s not. But my needs are my needs and I can’t change them. I’m sorry I burden you with my problems…it’s not like it’s intentionally one-sided. You just never tell me any problems! But if you did, I’ve always made it clear that I’d be there. I don’t know if you just don’t have any problems, or if you just tell them to other people. Maybe I’m your problem. Obviously you wouldn’t tell me that. You told me the other day that you told your friends about my diagnosis because you didn’t know who turn to. Why did you need to turn to someone? You aren’t the one with the problem – you just need to support me through it. It makes me angry that your friends know about the way I act. I know it’s fair enough – people tell people stuff. It just hurts because I don’t want my involuntary problem to be hurting you enough that you have to ‘turn to’ someone about it. It hurts me because I remember how we used to be. We were so loving and understanding of each other. Remember our first ever conversation? I do. We had so much in common, don’t let that have changed of late. You insist nothing’s changed but I feel like it has. We both get so mad so easily. Maybe it’s exam stress. I hope it is.

I’m going through one hell of a lot at the moment. All the diagnosis stuff plus heart tests to see if I have a hereditary disease that may kill me. Yes, I have obsessions and weird things that I do to cope. But can you blame me? My world is changing in a big way at the moment and I hate change. I’m trying to hang onto the things I love, the people I love. I’m not being lazy. I’m just so scared. Scared of losing life, scared of losing people I love, of losing my goals, of losing myself. Since I started the pills I’m feeling truly happy for the first time in a very long while. But I can’t help but wonder. My friends say I’m different. What if I’m different in a bad way? Maybe that’s why we’ve been arguing more than before. Maybe you don’t like the ‘new me’. But I like being happy…do I have to choose?

The sequence of events and inevitable escalation

It was when you told me last night that I ‘do nothing’ that I got truly mad. My whole fucking life people told me I did nothing when in reality, I was trying as hard as I possibly could at everything, and just wasn’t getting results because my brain isn’t as agile or as versatile as other people’s. So it hurt when you said something that had, up until now, been coming from other people’s mouths, hurting me for my whole life. Coming from people who didn’t understand me. It stung because I thought you knew me better than that.

I can stay calm about other things. Things that make my hairs stand on end and my muscles tighten – because I know those things aren’t normal. The things I get upset about, like changes of plan, things I used to tell you, I can control now because I know other people don’t act like that. Believe it or not, I actually do quite a lot for you – to protect you and stop you getting mad. I hold back things that I so badly need to say because I know ‘normal’ people wouldn’t say them. But anyone would get mad if you told them they did nothing when in actual fact all they do is try to build a life for themselves. I allowed myself that anger towards you, because anyone would find that infuriating. I just want you to get me, because right now you don’t. I so badly want you to, Max. Please, just listen to what I’m saying. I’m trying to tell you. Don’t get mad.

I just don’t like the insensitivity, the lack of understanding or feeling. But the lack of wanting to understand is the worst. I try to explain to people how I’m feeling and they’re like a brick wall. It’s like emotions are a taboo subject or something these days. I don’t like feeling alone. I know that for you there will be a whole different side of the story, and I get that. In your eyes, I’m in the wrong. But just bear with me till I’m done.

Please don’t ever tell me I do nothing again. Just remember: our argument started because you couldn’t prise yourself from your Xbox for one minute to speak to me. I know you said it was a planned game with your friends. Got no problem with that. But you used to not mind for a minute or so. That’s why I’m upset because now, you do mind. You had been playing with them all afternoon and all evening and I asked for one minute. Not for you to chop your leg off let’s be honest xD.

Do you love me like you say you do or are you just saying it out of habit? If you’re ever reading this do not say I’m being dramatic. I feel like this and it’s not for no reason. Everyone’s feelings are valid. I love you with all my heart, of course I do. But I’m just saying, you act like I’m a chore these days. I really, really, really hope and pray to God that I’m not. But only you can tell me. But not if we’re not talking.

I am trying to change things through this blog, to help unheard people like me be heard. If you think that’s doing nothing you should try doing it for a day. I love it of course, but I do not class it as nothing. I know what it’s like to feel shit and I want it to stop for other people. Just because blogging isn’t going out partying, it isn’t nothing. I think this is a far better use of my time, to be honest. I’ve been emailing here there and everywhere trying to get people on board with what I’m doing here – you have no idea what I am and am not doing because whenever I try to tell you, you don’t want to hear – but I can tell you that it is most certainly NOT nothing.

I go to boarding school – I can’t exactly go out anyway so forgive me for ‘doing nothing’. I live with my friends – so there isn’t exactly a need to go out and do stuff! I’m sorry you think all I do is work, but you know what? I have a learning disability. If I don’t work my arse off 24/7 I’m constantly playing catch-up to my class and what am I meant to do – fail? Sorry if you don’t know what that’s like but I do, Max. I do and it fucking sucks. As it is, I might not even get into the university I so badly want to go to – and no matter how hard I work it might just not be possible for me. Of course I can hope it’s possible but in reality the only thing that’s gonna get me in is hard slog. All the time. At least you can work – even if you choose not to. If you work as hard as you can, who knows what amazing things you could do? I’ve been working as hard as I can for my whole life and I’m still not as good as everyone around me. Dunno if you know what that’s like.

I’m so mad but I’m so sad because I hate fighting with you. This post is a sort of peace offering. I know it’s a bit of a funny way of showing it but you need to know how I feel and I need to know how you feel – be open, no hiding. I don’t even know if I’ll show you this post yet but writing it made me feel a little better. I don’t know what my future holds. I just know I’m not ready to lose one of the most important parts of it. Whether you want to hear it or not, I need you to accept the way I act and feel, because believe it or not, our ‘disagreements’ are probably worse for me than for you because it’s impossible for me to let these things go. ADHD is a big deal. Of course I haven’t changed – but since medication I can really see what I want. What I want is you to let me tell you everything because you’re part of my life now and that’s what it takes. You may not mind about my ADHD, because, as you phrased it, it doesn’t change the way you look at me. I’m thankful for that. But it’s important as part of my healing, my digestion of the way I am that I need to explain myself because it makes me feel shit when I know I’m acting in a way that others can’t understand. I’m standing up for myself and putting my foot down on that one, I’m afraid.

I read somewhere that people with ADHD lose relationships about twice as much as the non-ADHD person. Whether that’s true or not, I’m not letting that happen to us.

I love you with all my heart please let us be okay ❤ I’m ready to hear your side of things now, if you’ll tell me.

© agirlwithadhd 2015.

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