Today was an extremely tiring day. I’ve spent it being mad at everyone within two feet of me. My head is screaming and I want to just hit, and like, hurt anyone in the vicinity. Not cool. Or nice, for that matter, and it makes me feel so bad.
We were at the doctors picking up a prescription for me today and I purposefully did the forms wrong because I knew it would make mom annoyed. How messed up is that? I’m clearly delusional. I dunno like, I say stuff for effect because I know it’ll hurt. I’m spiteful. Well I mean I’m not trying to be. But I am. It hurts others and it hurts me that I’m like this sometimes. I just so rarely think kindly of anyone when I’m having one of these, uh, ‘episodes’ I guess you could call them. I’m an utter bitch to mom and I don’t even know why. I argue just for the sake of arguing…what normal person does that? It’s almost like, in some sadistic way, I enjoy it. It feeds my craving to lash out. If I shout and swear and generally just act like a hooligan, it stops me from wanting to hurt someone physically, which still sucks because I still hurt them psychologically.
One of these moods is rare, but it’s always underlying, lurking in the shadows of my brain and emerging, striking when the iron is hot. Perhaps it’s lack of sleep or something. Who knows? I just know that I’m not a bad person on the inside. But people probably just think I am sometimes – which I don’t blame them for because I act like it and clearly deserve it.
I’ve got a whole load of guest posts to write which, don’t get me wrong, I’m SUPER excited to do (I set them up so why wouldn’t I be?), but I’m stressing because I haven’t written enough on here whilst working on them. I’m only human (plus I have the added challenge of lacking focus), and I think I have expected WAY too much of myself on the first day on the holiday. I got time! I just don’t trust myself to stay interested because loving blogging just seems way too good to be true, like I don’t deserve to feel happy about something. I’m scared if I stray too far from my blog then I’ll just give up. Let everyone down, let myself down. I don’t want that again. I love to write but I just got home from boarding school, got a huge summer ahead of me and I should be happy. I dunno it’s almost like all of a sudden I’m scared of what to do. I have so much time that I’m worried I’ll just waste it, like I have the rest of my life. There are soooo many things I want to do this summer and it’s just muddling me up because now summer is actually here, I have to try to actually address these things and put them in some sort of hierarchal order.
I apologise for such a down-hearted post. I was meaning to post a sort of ‘IT’S SUMMER BITCHEZZZ’ post but I just don’t seem to be quite feeling the pang of ecstasy yet so I thought I would save it for a day when perhaps I do. Nominators, I also have not forgotten my challenge and award; they will come in due course. I’m very keen to do them but I thought I’d better post this one now since it was the only thing I felt like writing, and understandably I can’t write about happy stuff when I’m actually feeling kinda crappy. Doesn’t work that way, I’m afraid :(.
I’ve got so much I should be happy about and to look forward to, and I am. But today the humid weather overwhelmed me causing me to have a splitting headache, and to be quite honest I was feeling shit from about midday onwards. That’s actually the most annoying thing. I woke up thinking ‘hmm, this day’s gonna be good’, but my mood got progressively worse from then onwards throughout the day. The nagging pushed me over the edge, and there was a lot of that today (mostly my fault, though). Lots of emotions flying about for everyone, also, which can really cause a lot of tension and upset, as I’m sure anyone is aware.
The car broke down yesterday on the way to my MRI scan, which is now, upon updates, apparently unfixable unless we dish out 7.5 grand, which obviously we don’t have. So money is a little tighter that usual at the moment which, and we’re stuck because dad can’t get into work without a car and the less he goes to work the less money there is therefore the less likely it is to be able to afford another car (because it’ll be cheaper to buy one than get ours fixed).
Mom, dad and I had a very deep chat last night which consisted of me screaming and hitting them, dad having to block me from getting up and storming out, to hideous amounts of crying, to feeling hopeless, to feeling awfully sad for my poor parents, who clearly blame themselves for everything I’ve been going through (which clearly they should not do because why on earth would it be their fault?)
Then I started getting worried this morning after my eye appointment because my prescription has gotten worse again and I’m sorta scared that I’ll end up blind or something if it doesn’t stabilise. My prescription is already worse than my grandma’s – I’m seventeen and shes seventy – you can see what’s causing me worry here.
Mom wants me to get a job. Which makes sense. I haven’t been able to until now because my boarding school doesn’t allow it (I know – I don’t get why either). But that’s stressing me also because I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. Sounds stupid but it’s scary! Growing up, learning to cook and budget and all that stuff! I don’t know where to start so every time mom mentions it I freak at her and yell and stuff. I don’t get why my anger gets so out of control. I upset her, I know, and I hate it. But at the time I just say the most spiteful thing that comes into my head – and it’s not normal. This morning mom actually suggested to me that I have something called ‘Oppositional Defiance Disorder’. Not sure what it is exactly but sounds like it could match.
Mom made me attend a ‘mindfulness’ class this evening to help me get my life under control with the ADHD etc, and help me to identify ‘unhelpful’ thoughts, as my CBT woman calls them, from the genuine, good ones. So we did loads of random meditation stuff which sucked because I’m one of those people who, if they’re in a bad mood, decides that they won’t enjoy it before it even starts. And when meditation people tell me to ‘imagine the nerve endings in my toes and the blood vessels in my heart’, it makes me feel sick because I’m squeamish. And then when she tells us to ‘notice our buttocks’, I just snort with unnecessary laughter, because apparently I still have the emotional age of a fourteen-year-old girl. The final exercise we had to do was some mantra thing. The idea of this alone filled me with dread because one of my OCD ‘traits’ is doing a sort of ‘mantra’, if you will. That’s how I refer to it, anyway. So just the word…mantra…ugh it kinda just makes me feel shit because of the connotations that come with the word for me. If I have bad thoughts about others, myself, or anything really, I have to mantra my way out of it in my head, in order to cancel out the ‘sin’. This is hard to write actually, because I know it won’t make sense to most readers and you’ll just think I’m a weirdo. But hey. For me it’s a very real fear, and it hurts. The irrational side of me creeps in and tells me that if I don’t say it, I’ll die or something. Anyway. The idea of a ‘mantra’, even though it obviously wasn’t in the same terms that I use, it scared me.
Finally, I know it’s hypocritical because I am the WORLD’S WORST REPLYER TO TEXTS (to everyone other than my boyfriend), and if I just do that thing where I think ‘eh, I’ll reply later when I’m not busy’, it almost certainly will not happen. BUT, when others don’t reply to me (well, my boyfriend specifically), it pisses me off, which I know is bad because I’m just the same – because although I’m great at replying to my boyfriend, I’m rubbish at replying to anyone else for some reason. But recently he’s not really been texting me a whole lot. Which again, is fair enough because he has his last exams now, too. HOWEVER I get the horrible feeling that he is actually just gaming instead. So I just never really know if I’m in the right or the wrong and it just stresses out my brain and confuses my morals. When I don’t like something someone else does to me, it’s 9 times out of 10 my ADHD talking, because things that for most people are normal, really bug me. So I just never know whether I’m being a bitch or not – so I just go with whatever the other person feels is ‘correct’, which sometimes involves me getting ‘hurt’, which I then feel pathetic about because most others wouldn’t find it hurtful. But it’s either that or we have a barney, so idk what’s best. Don’t think this paragraph even makese sense but unfortunately I am on a role so you will just have to skip it out if it doesn’t haha. It’s too late to go proofreading now.
Anyway. My rant is over, I’m eternally sorry and grateful for you reading, hope you’re having a lovely day and my first post in a while wasn’t too much of a ‘bogging you down essay’. It’s my mom’s birthday tomorrow so I’m gonna try and raise the spirits a little and actually try to be a nice daughter for once. I think and hope she’ll like my present, too. Got my Student Disability Assessment tomorrow as well, where they basically tell me what cool stuff I can get at uni (that they pay for) to help me with my schoolwork because of my ADHD. It’s pretty sad that I’m looking forward to it, I know. But I’ve never really been given any sort of help from teachers etc before – my school didn’t even realise, so this just sort of excites me. Lol don’t judge. Small things like leaving the house bring me joy, okay?! xD
Sorry for the sort of, stream-of-consciousness approach this evening, just needed to rant. My eyes are so blurry omg. Nighty.
– Ellie xo
© agirlwithadhd 2015.